December 28, 2001
If I Can Just Survive January...
I am having a minor stress attack right now. See, I happened to look at the schedule for next week here at work, and I discovered that I am scheduled (along with everyone else) for 11-hour days after New Year's. Right before I move. I'm already starting to feel like work is sucking my life away. I keep telling myself, it's really only for January. Once January is past and people finish up their W2s and such, my life will get much calmer.
But still... gah!
Isn't there someone out there who would be willing to just pay me to be me? Or, you know, just hand me an enormous sum of money merely because I exist? Don't I deserve that much? Feh.
So, I'm in the middle of this whole "balancing work and the rest of my life" thing. The good news is, I've gotten some packing done at home, and even better, my mom's been helping me. The bad news is, I'm somehow supposed to write most of a book in January, and I have no idea how I'm going to do it. And oh yeah, wasn't I writing a novel somewhere around here?
I've decided not to go to school this semester. Between working overtime for the first half of the semester and having this book contract, I don't think I could manage even a single class. I'm a little nervous about stepping away from school, mostly because I'm afraid I won't go back. I will go back though. I have to. I just... can't right now.
I'll confess, I haven't seen my grades for this past semester, but I suspect I did very poorly. I burned out near the end of the semester, and started blowing things off. A lot. I won't, in all honesty, be surprised if I have to retake the classes I took this semester. I hate that. I hate feeling like a failure. It makes me even MORE nervous about not going back this semester, because it fits the pattern of all the times I tried to go to school before.
Ugh. I don't know where this sudden attack of doubt is coming from, but just sitting here writing this, everything seems like a bad idea now: moving, school, writing... everything. I think I'm just going to go crawl into a hole for a couple of weeks now...