January 31, 2002
Snow days aren't as much
Snow days aren't as much fun as they were when I was a kid, man. Lots of snow and ice here, possibly more ice tonight, but the experts are not agreement on how much and when.
In other news, I want to send some of our customers to this page. I'm still trying to figure out the URL.
January 30, 2002
I have nothing to say.
I have nothing to say. This is a comparison of the crucifix that Tom Monaghan (the Domino's Pizza founder and fundamentalist Catholic) wants to put up at the interchange of US-23 and M-14. It's nearly as big as the Statue of Liberty for crying out loud. And this is in a huge flat area with little else around. It's not like there's something that's going to block it from view or anything. Oy. (For the curious, here's a link to the whole story.)
January 28, 2002
This month's On Display collab asks, "What are you sure of?" Well, one thing I'm sure of is that I've waffled all month over what on earth I was sure of.
I mean, I could tell you right this moment that I'm sure of X, Y, and Z, but six months from now everything could be completely different. Eight years ago I would have told you that I was sure I would always love my husband, that we would live happily ever after, that I would always be a good Christian woman, and that I wanted little more than to be a stay-at-home wife and mom.
Seven years ago I wasn't sure of much of anything. I was sure that I loved my new job and my new apartment and my new roommates, but that was pretty much it. I had no idea where my life was going to go and what was going to happen between me and Gary.
Five years ago I was sure that moving in with Hollingsworth was the best decision I'd ever made. I was sure I wanted more than anything to get a degree in Early Childhood Education and to spend my days teaching preschool. I was absolutely certain that I never, ever wanted to get married again. Unfortunately, I was also certain that if I ever decided to have a child, that would be the end of my relationship with Hollingsworth. (That's a very long story, but suffice to say that one pregnancy scare was enough to convince me that a pregnancy would send him out the door.)
Two years ago I was sure I'd be living in Romulus for a long time, that I might even be buying a home there. I was stubbornly happy to be living alone and completely sure that I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was sure that I was destined to spend my life pining after someone I could never have. (I wince now, at how much I've written about that here.)
Last year, I was sure that I was going to be a straight A student at Eastern, and that I'd live happily with my parents until I finished school, and that I couldn't possibly get tired of school after working so hard to get back there! I was also sure that I would be a receptionist until I graduated from college.
I guess looking back, you could say that I'm older and wiser. Then again, maybe I'm just older. The only thing I'm still sure of, out of everything I listed above, is that I'm stubbornly happy to be living alone. What else am I sure of? I'm sure that I'm a good writer. I'm sure that I'm no longer interested in being a 'perfect' student, or a perfect anything, for that matter. I'm sure that being single is not only NOT the end of the world, it's actually better than dating at this point. I'm sure that turning thirty later this year is not going to be the death of me -- and that my thirties are going to be much better than my twenties.
I'm sure that I'm happy how my life has panned out, and I wouldn't trade any of it, not even all of the things I used to be so sure of. It took all those years of instability and changing surety to make me appreciate the near-stability I have in my life right now.
That's what I'm sure of. This year.
January 25, 2002
I just had to explain
I just had to explain to someone what Windows was. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry. I asked her what version of Windows she was using, and got, "Well, I want to be able to work in Windows 99, 2000, and 2001!" Then came the explanation about Windows.
I now have a SMITE
I now have a SMITE button on my keyboard at work, thanks to a certain unnamed writing buddy. This should help during those difficult calls.
January 23, 2002
I'm starting to think that
I'm starting to think that god hates me today. I may write about it later, but it's all pretty negative crap. Stupid customers, stupid coworkers -- I could write a very long rant about people who work in sales. If you work in sales, no offense, I'm sure you're not an ass, but man, your colleagues suck.
January 22, 2002
I really love my t'ai chi class so far. (I may not love it tomorrow, but that remains to be seen.) Tonight we really started to work. Last week was all introduction -- like I said, we learned to walk. Tonight we learned warm-ups and the first part of the form. The form is almost like a dance. We saw part of it last week. It's slow and even and smooth, and really quite amazing to see. It's a series of 108 moves that flow into one another. Tonight we learned like maybe the first two minutes of what is usually a 25 minute routine.
Tonight I learned it's a lot harder than it looks. Slow, smooth movements almost means that your muscles work harder, or at least it feels that way. It's a different sort of work from any other exercise class I've done though. I'm not sure how to describe it. I guess part of it is because it's not aerobic. It isn't all about expending energy. I like that, cause I've never been all about expending energy. In fact, you could say that I expend as little energy as possible. It's a match made in heaven!
Seriously, I got it tonight, briefly. In the middle of working on the first few moves of the form, in the middle of "Damn, my calf muscle hurts, wait that's the wrong move, okay what's the teacher doing, am I doing this right, what time is it?" everything cleared and crystallized, and in those moments my mind was clear and it was just me, my movement, and my breathing. It was remarkable. Everything just fell into place. I want that feeling again. I want to be able to get there and stay there for a time. Who knows? Maybe I'll continue with this for a while. There are worse things I could do.
It reminded me a little of how I used to feel when I was into SCA dance. There was a sense of being graceful, and that blissful feeling of your body taking over a movement that you knew so well you didn't have to think about it, so you could concentrate less on the broad mechanical aspects and focus more on the detail of making it perfect. Yes, it was very similar to that. Without the music and flirting of course, but one can't have everything.
I never imagined I'd take something even remotely like a martial arts class. Whoa.
January 21, 2002
Finally. Things are starting to settle down again, both at work and in my emotional life. The stress that was making me crazy last week is largely gone. Things are still pretty loopy at work, but the hours are a little shorter -- it's amazing what a difference a single hour a day can make.
I mentioned the tai chi class last week -- I really think it helped! All we did really was walk. Yeah, just walked -- but it was a very specific form with precise steps. My leg muscles were muttering by the time the class was over, but I felt wonderful! I've reached the point where my knees are getting a little creaky, but the day after my class, the creakiness was pretty much gone. (It was slightly reassuring to know I wasn't the only one with loud knees -- during the class about the only sounds were the teacher speaking and lots of joints popping.) I'm looking forward to tomorrow's class.
Inwardly, I guess you could say I've been quiet. I haven't been doing much in the way of writing or thinking or dreaming or creating -- I've been going to work and then coming home, cooking dinner, and flopping in front of the TV or computer (or both). I haven't decided yet if I should be worried or not. On the one hand, I keep telling myself that I've been working tremendously long, busy hours, so by the time I get home, my brain is pretty much mush. On the other hand, I've been remarkably lazy, and I've gotten out of the habit of writing. (You need only look at the writing journal to see that.) Considering that I have a book due somewhere in about six weeks, that's worrisome.
I don't know. I think what I'm doing right now is pretty natural. And I think things will settle out here soon -- they're already starting to, in fact. I guess that's partly why I haven't written so much here lately. Not much is going on. I'm working. I'm resting when I'm not working. Not reading much. Not writing much. Not thinking much. Just... working and eating and sleeping and vegetating.
It's not that I want life to get busier, exactly, but maybe just a little more active, if only on the inside.
January 15, 2002
I can't send email. I
I can't send email. I can't connect to AIM. No one's on any MUSHes I'm on. I feel cut off from the outside world. Argh!
January 14, 2002
Small Anxiety Attacks
My job is kicking my ass. In a big, big way. Today has left me feeling beaten into the ground. Common sense tells me that people can't all be jerks, that there's got to be something in my outlook today that's making things so unpleasant. It's not making it much easier.
I have neglected the world of late. When I haven't been at work, I've been curled up at home, usually either playing EverQuest or watching TV, now that I have cable TV again. I know it's not the best thing, but at this point, it's a survival mechanism. Hopefully this is the last week of seriously long days. I was sick for part of last week -- I got the flu for the first time in ages, and I know that has a lot to do with stress. Things have definitely been stress-intensive lately, and I tend to stay away from here when things are stress-intensive.
My new place is absolutely marvelous. I've been there a little over a week, and I have everything unpacked now -- almost. It's starting to feel like home, instead of this unsettled, unfamiliar place where I don't know where anything is or what to do next. Having some friends over (soon, I hope!) will also help that, I think.
But I'm still not myself. Stress does ugly things to me, not the least of which is that it makes me anxious and uncertain. Ironically (and comfortingly) one of the things I am not anxious about is the move I made. I feel very safe and comfortable in my apartment. Sometimes that's about the only place I feel safe and comfortable. I don't know how to explain this anxiety except that when I'm out and about, it's a constant feeling that doom is about to strike at any moment. That's exaggerating a little (this time -- I've felt that way before), but I mentally flinch a lot. I expect that I'm going to get yelled at or 'get in trouble'. You'd be amazed at how much, for an adult, I worry about getting in trouble. It's a little disturbing at times.
Another interesting side effect to the anxiety is that I get angry more often, and more irrationally. I tend to get angry at the things I feel anxious about. Therefore, if I feel anxious about something at work, I start to feel angry and defiant at my supervisors, which makes no sense, because there was no real reason to feel anxious in the first place. It's a weird cycle. It's a weird enough cycle that I'm starting to wonder if I shouldn't be back in therapy again for a bit. Getting angry is a new reaction for me.
I am doing some new things to combat all of this. Tomorrow I'm starting a t'ai chi class here at work. I don't know how much exercise it is (although I hear it's quite a bit), but I know I could use something relaxing and meditative. I'm wanting to look more into the spiritual side of my life, and this may at least be a start.
I think Brand probably said it best online today: "[I am], as of now, telling self that will not curl up into a ball and die. Tomorrow must be better." That's about how I've felt at moments today. Tomorrow's got to be better.
January 07, 2002
Home, Sweet Home -- Again
Well, the worst of the tumult is past around here. I'm sitting here in my brand new place, watching my own TV, curled up on my own couch. I'm home. Don't get me wrong, I was home before, but this is my home. That makes all the difference in the world.
This was, without a doubt, the smoothest move I've ever made (and considering how many times I've moved, that's saying something). The movers got to my parents' house at 9 am Saturday, and they left my apartment by 11:30. The cable company showed up as they were leaving. My mom and I unpacked until about 3:30, and I spent the rest of the weekend doing some relaxed unpacking and lots of resting. As of right now, I have about five boxes left to unpack, mostly books and things I need to sort through, to decide what goes to storage and what doesn't. Storage! I have a storage space across the hall from my apartment. I have... I have a ton of space in general. Space. It's amazing. I spent a good part of yesterday just sorta wandering through all of my rooms, all five of them!
I've been a little bit giddy through all this. Well okay. A lot giddy. I feel like a grown-up again. A giddy grown-up. (Are grown-ups allowed to be giddy?)
I guess I should try and describe the place a little. First of all, this is the seal apartment. So outside my front door is my seal. I'll need to take a picture of it as soon as I dig out my digital camera. Maybe I'll take some pictures of the new place too, while I'm at it. It's become something of a tradition, after all. I have a foyer (sort of), and I've turned my dining room into an office, since I don't have a dining room table. My bedroom is vast and a little empty, with just the bed and the nightstand. (Does this mean I need more furniture?)
For the first time ever, I have my bookshelves in the living room. And the living room has built-in bookshelves, too! I'm rambling and this is probably the most boring entry I've ever written. I guess to sum it all up, I'm happy. I'm sure the honeymoon period will end sooner or later, it always does, but for now, I'm happy.
Work, on the other hand, is kicking my ass. Right now I'm working eleven hour days, and those days are packed-mad-crazy-busy. I'm hanging on for the next couple of weeks. Things will settle down at the end of January. I keep telling myself that.
But for now, I think it's time for me to go to bed. In my own bed. In my own bedroom. Whee!
January 04, 2002
As seen on RPG.net: The
I think this is the first hierarchy I've ever been at the TOP of! ;) Well, sort of.
Yes, I know. No entries. No writing. Work is kicking my ass right now. I'm working 11 hour days, I'm moving tomorrow, and Dawn and Jason got me started playing EQ. I'm hoping things will resettle and balance out again SOON. :P