June 30, 2002
Meditations on Fear on the Eve of a 30th Birthday
Sometimes I feel the fear of my uncertainty stinging clear and I can't help but ask myself how much I let the fear take the wheel and steer. But I fear I have nothing to give, I have so much to lose here in this lonely place. Who's there that makes me so afraid, I'm shaken to the bone? Oh, the fear I've known, that I might reap the praise of strangers and end up on my own. What is it in me that refuses to believe this isn't easier than the real thing?
There I am in younger days, star gazing, painting picture perfect maps of how my life and love would be. Not counting the unmarked paths of misdirection, my compass, faith in love's perfection -- I missed ten million miles of road I should have seen.
But I know I'm all right, my life will come and life will go. My whole life is on the tip of my tongue, empty pages for the no longer young. The apathy of time laughs in my face, did you hear me say, "Each life has its place."
All the fear has left me now, I'm not frightened anymore. It's my heart that pounds beneath my flesh. It's my mouth that pushes out this breath -- and if I shed a tear I won't cage it. I won't fear love. And if I feel a rage I won't deny it. I won't fear love.
(This has been brought to you by On Display. The challenge was to write an entry written in lyrics. The words above are not my own, the feelings are.)
June 27, 2002
Okay, this is probably way
Okay, this is probably way too much information, but I just found it really amusing that my period started suddenly and unexpectedly today... in Feminist Theory class. I dunno. I guess it really is a woman thang.
June 26, 2002
I'm still here, I promise. It's been a very lazy month, mostly lazy in a good way. Summer school starts tomorrow, and I feel ready for something to throw myself into. I think if I have some place I have to be every day, writing will come easier.
I got this out of Mer's weblog. It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Current Dress: Dream Pod 9 t-shirt and black bellbottom pants with zippers on the cuffs -- both have seen much better days
Current makeup: Yeah right. The last time I wore makeup was back in February.
Current Mood: Antsy
Current Music: Sisters of Mercy, "A Slight Case of Overbombing"
Current Taste: The chicken nuggets I just ate
Current Hair: Mostly natural brown, needs to be washed, pulled into a messy ponytail
Current Annoyance: Trying to figure out why my home network isn't working the way it should
Current Smell: Fabric softener from my shirt
Current Thing I Ought to be Doing: Writing, always. Should also be doing some critiques
Current Favorite Artist: Art art? Sir Frank Dicksee. I have a huge gorgeously framed print of this painting hanging in my living room -- the last thing I splurged on before I lost my job
Current Favorite Group: Sweet Honey in the Rock
Current Book: One Hundred Years of Solitude, Gabriel Garcia Marquez -- although I just finished the first three Anita Blake books and there's another Hamilton book calling me from across the living room...
Current CD In Stereo: Erm. Three, actually. The soundtrack for "O Brother Where Art Thou", Sweet Honey in the Rock, "Twenty-Five", and Indigo Girls, "Rites of Passage"
Current VHS in player: Olympic figure skating highlights, no really.
Current Color Of Toenails: Toenail-colored
Current Refreshment: Mountain Dew
Current Worry: Just hoping this whole full time student thing works out the way I planned.
Current Crush: Erm. No. Not telling, cause it's not a real person, and that's just too embarrassing.
Current Favorite Celebrity: Ewan McGregor
Food: Macaroni Grill's Penne Rustica
Drink: Vanilla Coke
Color: Blue or green
Album: Geh, just one? Depends on my mood. Although, I did dig out Sarah McLachlan's "Fumbling Towards Ecstasy" the other day and rediscovered it
Shoes: Anything comfortable that I can slip on on my way out the door
Candy: Chocolate. Anything more specific than that is negotiable
Animal: Cats, definitely. And seals.
TV Show: Law and Order. Did you know you can watch it almost endlessly any given day of the week?
Movie: "Fellowship of the Ring", duh.
Dance: I miss a lot of SCA dances, especially Road to the Isles and Mairi's Wedding
Song: The one song I absolutely have to stop and listen to right now whenever it comes on the radio is "Drops of Jupiter" by Train
Open-minded: I try to be, but I have a problem with close-mindedness
Arrogant: I don't think so
Insecure: Oh yes
Interesting: If you like geeks, absolutely
Friendly: If I'm not too busy being shy
Childish: Am not!
Independent: More than I'd like, sometimes
Hard working: If it's something I'm passionate about, yes
Healthy: I haven't died yet
Emotionally Stable: Much better than I used to be
Shy: More than I'd like to be
Difficult: More than I'd like to be, much better than I used to be
Attractive: Today? Not so much. Some days I think so, though
Bored Easily: I don't think so -- I get fascinated by the strangest things
Messy: *looks around* Um...
Obsessed: Oh yes. By many things
Angry: Sometimes, usually by things I should let go
Sad: See above, under 'angry'
Happy: For the most part, yes
Trusting: Probably more than I should be
School starts tomorrow. I cheat
School starts tomorrow. I cheat and ramble mostly through a survey in today's entry. I've been putting off a collab entry all month. We'll see if I get it done.
Looking at the date, I just realized something. Seventeen years ago today was my very first kiss. How sad is it that I remember the exact date? Twelve, almost thirteen years old, standing under the moonlight with the first boy who ever showed any interest in me. We held hands and giggled, then he finally told me he loved me and kissed me.
Too bad he was an eighteen year old high school graduate who later turned psycho. I have to wonder now if that was a bad omen to the beginning of my romantic life...
June 19, 2002
What? Huh? Oh, hi! Wow,
What? Huh? Oh, hi! Wow, you're still here? I'm awake, I'm awake. Brief summary of the past couple weeks: Unemployed, enjoying it. Little writing, lots of EverQuest. Lots of lazy. Got financial aid for school, classes start in a week. Things are definitely less stressful around this house right about now. Other than that, nothing much to tell.
June 09, 2002
I've been mulling over an entry on how to survive unemployment. That may come later. Tonight I came to what is, at this moment, an even more pressing entry. I have a love-hate relationship with Broadway. I adore musical theatre. I have, from the first time I remember ever seeing my first musical. You'd figure I'd remember what that was, right? I have no idea. I remember being exposed to cast albums from Annie and Jesus Christ Superstar. Around the time we got cable, I used to watch Showtime all the time watching for any musical they'd show -- which actually means the first musical I ever saw was probably either Pippin or Sweeney Todd. God that explains a lot.
Anyway, the showbiz bug bit me early. Those musicals were what fueled my desire to sing. I never really wanted to be a rock star (aside from a brief span around age eleven where I lip-synched to Pat Benatar in my bedroom for hours at a time). I wanted to play Miss Hannigan in Annie. I wanted to play Mrs. Lovett in Sweeney Todd. I wanted to find out what the heck Jesus Christ Superstar was all about.
When I got into drama in high school, I enjoyed working on all of the scenes we did (although again, I had what my classmates considered weird tastes -- if the teacher let us pick our scenes, I'd dive into Shakespeare first). But still, deep in my heart, I wanted to be in a musical. I think the first one I was actually in was a community theatre production of South Pacific, where blue-eyed, pale-skinned me was cast as a Pacific Islander. I learned the wonder and horror that is full-body greasepaint. Alas, it wasn't until my junior year that I was actually cast in a high school production, in the chorus of Hello, Dolly!.
It wasn't until three years later (and after another run in a Hello, Dolly! chorus) that I actually got to play a major role in a musical. At that point I was a college sophomore, and a music major. I was realistic enough to realize that I didn't have the talent or the determination to make it on Broadway, but I wanted to at least teach.
But I digress. Tonight I watched "The Best of Broadway" on Bravo, where basically a bunch of people just sing songs from different shows. I love these shows, and I hate them. I watch them, I sing along, I smile a lot. And then for absolutely no apparent reason, I cry. It's tough to explain why watching an absolutely hysterical performance of "Do You Love Me?" from Fiddler on the Roof (Shawn Colvin and Harvey Fierstein, only Fierstein is playing Golde, not Tevye: "I'm your wife!"), why this hysterically funny performance makes me cry even while I'm laughing.
It leaves me feeling unsettled and happy. Fidgety. I miss performing. I miss it, but I don't really feel like it has a place in my life as it is now -- aside from the occasional daydream while singing in the car. But when I watch other people performing, and I watch how much they love performing, it chokes me up.
Yeah, don't even ask what "What I Did for Love" did to me. Sent me straight to the chocolate chip cookies. I'm not proud.
(In case I don't get to the unemployment entry any time soon, rest assured that unemployment has been positively blissful so far. Aside from tonight's lapse of the Broadway blues.)