October 30, 2002
Well friends, it's that time
Well friends, it's that time of year again. National Novel Writing Month starts on Friday, and yours truly is signed up again this year. Expect there to be not much here, but plenty over at the livejournal and the writing journal. I'm also posting the entire novel online as I go, on a password protected site. Details, if you're interested, are on the writing journal.
Oh yeah: I'm no longer unemployed. As of this Monday, I start an incredibly awesome part-time job at the University of Michigan. Very psyched here. Er, no pun intended: I'm working for the psychology department. ;)
October 29, 2002
It's worth noting that given my youngest kitten's proclivity to find odd hiding spaces, particularly that are close to me and warm, it can often be said that there's a Rumpus in my pants.
This is me, fainting with relief
Yours truly is the newest staff member in the U of M's psychology department. WOOHOO! I start working on Monday. Money, health insurance. Thank God. Thank all the other deities too. I feel like I'm Nell and someone just pulled me off the train tracks.
October 28, 2002
You know, I desperately miss Starbucks. I mean it. I miss going in there around 7 or 8am, getting my white chocolate raspberry mocha and my poppyseed muffin (or my chai latte and my bran muffin), and sitting and writing for an hour or two. Somehow, it just isn't the same to plan to sit and write at home.
Whenever my finances get resolved (soon, soon!*), I'm gonna go there and park my butt for hours. Just in time for NaNoWriMo.
*The U of M finally called on my references, so maybe I'll hear soon. But if not, I have several other job leads and a new student loan lined up. Of course, the student loan isn't an ideal resolution, but it's better than homelessness.
October 27, 2002
New roleplaying goodness for me!
I finally started playing my new Werewolf character today. What fun she turned out to be! Until this afternoon, Megan Baldwin was a college student with occasional weird dreams about chasing and being chased, once even waking up chewing on her own forearm. You know, the usual thing.
Well, today she went through her first change and discovered that she was a Get of Fenris Ahroun. Okay, anybody who knows me knows that Ahroun would never be my first choice of auspice, and Get of Fenris doesn't even show up on my "List of Tribes I'd Like to Play". However, with this particular GM, I just gave him my mortal character concept (which, admittedly, was geared towards an Ahroun concept, because the pack didn't have one), and he filled in the rest. Since several of the other characters have tragic or pain-filled histories, he asked for a character with a low angst quotient (yes, I hear you all laughing).
So I based my character somewhat on Anita Blake. She's short, she's cute, and she'll kick your ass. Especially if you give her shit about being short and cute. Did I mention she's a smart-ass, too? I have a feeling I'm going to get all the good lines. :)
Some personal favorites from today:
Megan finds herself, pre-Change, in a coffeeshop full of vampires and werewolves all with monster faces (or Crinos forms) on. Unlike normal humans, she doesn't run screaming.
Megan: Holy shit. Joss Whedon was right.
Then, realizing she's the only 'human' in the room:
Megan: If someone comes up and starts trying to tell me I'm the Chosen One, I'm kicking their head in.
From a conversation with her future packmates and a random Glasswalker, whose territory we were in:
Packmate #1: She can't be human, she wasn't effected by the Delirium.
Glasswalker (turns to Megan): What are you?
Megan: I'm a history major!
So here's Megan, Get of Fenris Ahroun, in the process of discovering that someone's been repressing her wolfy tendencies, and that one of her best friends is somehow involved. This is gonna be fun.
October 26, 2002
Curled up under a quilt on the couch, shamelessly still in my pjs at 1:30 in the afternoon, watching mindless TV, putting off homework for another half an hour while I sit with both cats curled up on my lap and belly, washing each other.
My needs are so simple, really.
October 25, 2002
Woe is me
Oh VH-1, VH-1, why must you do this to me? Why, when I am ready to go to bed, do you spring crap on me that keeps me awake against my will?
October 24, 2002
For anyone who doesn't follow
For anyone who doesn't follow my livejournal, I am still alive. Still unemployed, still in school, still hanging in there. I've started using the livejournal for random crap, I promise more serious (or at least longer) entries will still end up here. :)
Sometimes I think I miss kissing more than I miss sex. ;)
You Are A Juicy Kisser!Your lips are totally kissable baby, and you know how to use them.
You are the perfect kisser - with the right combo of lips and tongue.
It's important to flaunt it, so kiss early and often on dates!
How Do *You* Kiss?
More Great Quizzes from Quiz Diva
October 23, 2002
Good day today. School went well, Write Club went very well. Generally at peace today. There's still a vague current of stress at the back of my mind, but nothing more. I mean, I can only freak out for so long, right?
October 22, 2002
Okay, so dinner tonight is going to be leftover pasta from last night, garlic bread, and I think I'm going to make brownies. Comfort food much? Why yes, yes, thank you.
(I'll spare you the rest of the rant, where I freak about how I'm going to pay my rent this month or when I'm going to get hired somewhere.)
October 21, 2002
Fingernails? What fingernails? I done chewed 'em all off
The good news: I, through some freakish miracle, managed to get an A- on the in-class portion of the Midterm From Hell. As long as the prof doesn't recognize my essay for the crap that it is, I may come out of this semester with my GPA intact. (Remember the missed philosophy exam? I'm cool there. Go me.)
The bad news: Still haven't heard from the U of M psych department about the job. I know they say no news is good news, but I'm dying here. I need to know whether I need to
start keep freaking about finances, or if I can heave a sigh of relief.
I'm feeling way stressed lately. With money and school... argh. I want a vacation. Even the holidays aren't going to be a vacation though, since I've noticed several professors thoughtfully are giving HUGE assignments over the long weekend.
I haven't been writing at all, except at weekly Write Club meetings, and sometimes not even there. Writing and school, I've discovered, use similar parts of the brain, and that sucks. I miss writing like mad, but I can't seem to muster up the energy to do it. I'm not sure yet if NaNoWriMo is going to be an extra source of stress or a boost in writing motivation.
October 20, 2002
I'm going to hate myself in the morning...
Well, I got sucked into playing Bookworm all afternoon, instead of writing my paper. The good news is, I'm a vocabulist. The bad news is, I've got one page of my paper written and it's 11:30. Feh.
This isn't what I got last time...
Well, here I am, stalling on homework, and taking quizzes...
I Am A: Lawful Good Elf Bard Thief
Lawful Good characters are the epitome of all that is just and good. They believe in order and governments that work for the benefit of all, and generally do not mind doing direct work to further their beliefs.
Elves are the eldest of all races, although they are generally a bit smaller than humans. They are generally well-cultured, artistic, easy-going, and because of their long lives, unconcerned with day-to-day activities that other races frequently concern themselves with. Elves are, effectively, immortal, although they can be killed. After a thousand years or so, they simply pass on to the next plane of existance.
Bards are the entertainers. They sing, dance, and play instruments to make other people happy, and, frequently, make money. They also tend to dabble in magic a bit.
Thieves are the most roguish of the classes. They are sneaky and nimble-fingered, and have skills with traps and locks. While not all use these skills for burglary, that is a common occupation of this class.
Oghma is the Neutral Good god of knowledge and invention. He is also known as the Binder of What is Known, and is the Patron of Bards. His followers believe that knowledge reigns supreme, and is the basis for everything else that is done. They wear white shirts and pants, with a black and gold braided vest, and a small, box-like hat. All priests of Oghma are known as Loremasters. Oghma's symbol is a scroll.
Find out What D&D Character Are You?, courtesy ofNeppyMan (e-mail)
October 17, 2002
Well, I was kinda dreading the Minions meeting tonight (just so we're clear--Write Club=once a week meeting, me and Julie and Mer, we sit around in a bookstore cafe and write and gab. Shakespeare's Minions=once a month meetings, Write Club+Eric, and we do critiques of stuff passed out the previous month), largely because I was tired and overwrought from a craptacular day today that involved a horrid, gutwrenching literature midterm and the discovery that I MISSED an entire exam in Philosophy. (And, it's worth mentioning, I learned about the Philosophy exam about five minutes before the lit midterm, hooray!)
But, I went. And man am I glad I did. We critiqued, we discussed, and we laughed our asses off. By the time I finally left Eric's house at about 11:40, my sides ached, and my eyes were burning from laughing-tears. It was a good good thing. I feel almost human again.
No word yet on the job I interviewed for last week. I should hear tomorrow or Friday. Fingers and toes still crossed.
October 15, 2002
I didn't realize I was so profound...
...but this site showed me otherwise.
It's so true. I really don't think my spirituality is turning itself on a Friday night thought. If you have a paid LJ account, replace your username with mine, and you'll be amazed at how your own words can shift...
October 14, 2002
It's been a long, crappy weekend. Depression and religion ahead, although not necessarily related.
Every October, right about the middle of the month, I wind up spending several days curled up in a little ball, hating life, avoiding everything, eating and sleeping too much, reading and watching TV to escape. I'm starting to wonder how much of that is because I now expect it to happen, and how much of it might legitimately be connected to the days getting shorter and colder.
This year hasn't been too bad. The meltdown started on Thursday night, but is about over. By tomorrow, I expect to be on the upswing again. At which point I make up for the time I lost this weekend, studying for midterms and the like.
I'm angrier this year than I remember being before. I've had some scary moments of unreasoning rage at the dumbest of things. The therapist I worked with for years always said that a lot of depression came from misdirected and ignored anger, and it's certainly been true in my case. Growing up, I didn't get angry. It was disrespectful and sinful so if I was angry, then there was something wrong with me. It's still hard for me. I mentioned to Mer and Julie once that I was extremely cranky and angry at something, and they didn't believe me. "You're never cranky!" they said. I am, I just usually hide it well.
There hasn't been much sadness this time, which is also new. Just a whole lot of "fuck it, I'm staying in bed". Which isn't to say I haven't been sad, but it hasn't predominated.
On the good end of things, though, I've been talking a lot about some things that have needed dealing with for a while. I went through a long period of rejection of the beliefs I grew up with, specifically saying, "I'm NOT Christian" for many years. I dabbled with pagan religions, experimenting with my spirituality, trying to find out what I DO believe, because I know I believe in something. Over the past six months or so, I've started to wonder if Christianity doesn't still have some validity for me--just not the Christianity I was raised with. It's hard for me to let go of the notion of God as The Guy Who Sends You to Hell For Saying Bad Words. I've spent a lot of time talking to Brand over the past couple days, who, if you've read his journal, is clearly a Christian with no bad word issues. ;)
So I don't know. I'm not used to discovering my own relationship with a deity, any deity, which is why I never got far in all my explorations. I was raised to be told what to believe and how to believe it. I've never really understood the notion of truly personal beliefs before. I'm kind of scared to take a step, because that step before has always been filled with recrimination and guilt and a form of self-loathing--ever hear the song "A Mighty Fortress is Our God"? I remember hearing someone once who had a parody of that, based, apparently, on my former notion of Christianity:
I come before Thy throne of grace
And throw myself upon my face
I know that I am but a worm,
So step on me, God, and watch me squirm.
It's kinda funny, but kinda not, because I know some people who could sing it with a straight face and find it very spiritual. I used to be one of them.
October 11, 2002
No "Firefly" tonight. Grr. I suppose I could watch a movie or something. Grar. Or clean my house, since Mom's coming over tomorrow. I refuse to do homework on a Friday night thought. Refuse. Midterms next week or no.
October 10, 2002
Today's been a weird day.
I headed out to my car, thinking the whole time, "Wow, my shoes feel weird. One really hurts, but one's pretty comfy. I don't remember these shoes being this comfy." I figured maybe one of my feet was a little swollen. About halfway to my car, I looked down.
I had on two different shoes.
The uncomfortable one was black patent leather, very snazzy. The comfy one was a dull brown loafer. I'm such a hero. I'm so glad I looked down before I drove all the way to campus.
The interview itself went very well. I liked the psychology chair, I think he liked me. He noted that some of my skills were a bonus for the job. They're supposed to be making a decision next week. Fingers and toes still crossed...
October 09, 2002
There's only one possible explanation: he's insane
Okay, so the cats have this neat cat toy. It's a fur-covered plastic mouse that hangs on a stretchy elastic cord from a door frame, in particular, my bedroom door. Rumpus's favorite game is to grab the mouse in his mouth and see how far into the living room he can stretch it, where he tries to lie down and chew on it/wrestle with it. But invariably, it gets away and rebounds with a huge snap back to the bedroom. God help me if I'm ever standing in the hallway when that happens. I'll probably get the mouse embedded in my skull and die.
I don't think my philosophy prof likes me much. Or rather, I'm not sure he knows how to deal with me.
He's one of those professors I really WANT to like, because he's a great lecturer and he's brilliant. But he ignores me in class. Maybe he just doesn't see me, but how can he not? I sit right in the front row. He cuts me off when I'm talking. He asked a question in class today that I started to answer, but he cut me off with "No, we'll get to that later", since I was using an example from our reading to ANSWER his question, and because he didn't let me finish, he didn't see that I was, in fact, answering the question rather than tangenting. That sorta pissed me off.
But the reason I think he doesn't know how to deal with me is the same old reason. The classroom is full of those tiny little desks with the chair attached, and let's be honest, they're cramped even for normal sized people. No way in hell I can sit in one. Well, EMU thoughtfully provides a couple of ordinary chairs in each classroom, so I just snag one of those and use one of the other chairs for the desk. Hell, I do that in ALL my classes. It's to the point where I no longer even get self-conscious about it (much). Apparently I upset his sense of order by moving furniture (before class, not during, give me some credit). He freaked out before one class period asking where the chair was. I let him know I was using it, and I think it embarrassed him. Then today after class he told me to put the chair back where I'd found it--which NOBODY does in that building. Teachers rearrange whole rooms and leave the next professor to deal with it, I don't think my lone chair sitting against a wall is going to disrupt anybody. But anyway, yeah. He's clearly uncomfortable with me and my chair issues, which, added to his classroom behavior, makes me wonder if he's uncomfortable with me as a student as well.
Or maybe I just have low blood sugar right now and it's making me grumpy.
October 08, 2002
The department I interviewed with today just called. I have a second interview on Thursday morning with the chair of the department. WHEEE!
Job interview in two hours. Have I made it clear how much I want this job? Feh.
Hold me, I'm scared...
I've gotten worse since the last time I took this!
-- Click Here To Take The Test --
October 07, 2002
I have to finish my paper on Eliot this afternoon. At least it's only a rough draft, so if it sucks it's not the end of the world. I'm with
Ugh. I want this to be a temporary slacker fit, not the beginning of my self-destruction.
October 06, 2002
It's been a good, long, lazy weekend. I got one paper done, and I'll finish the second one tomorrow. I did a lot of reading, watched a couple movies, slept a lot. This makes me entirely too happy.
I got in a pop mood tonight, and since I'd just discovered Kazaa, I started downloading. Would y'all lose all respect for me if I told you about how I downloaded N*Sync and Hanson? Shut up. I got some Red Hot Chili Peppers to counterbalance it.
October 05, 2002
And so I did.
Big nap, lots of reading, whee! Now, honestly, I DO have to write one of my papers tonight, but it's a pretty brainless one.
Oh, and I did at least do some of the dishes and clean up the kitchen a bit too.
I just noticed a little bit ago, it's like the leaves outside my apartment turned gold overnight. Maybe it was pretty much overnight. Right now, they're gold against a brilliant blue sky with only a few fluffy white clouds, just waving in the wind and representing everything I love about fall.
Sleepy today. I should get up and clean the house some, and then do some homework, but it's lovely and cool and sunny outside, and I just want to curl up with a book that ISN'T for class and read all day. Maybe interspersed with a few naps.
October 04, 2002
Well, I was going to do the Friday Five today, but really. Shoes? Feh. Here's my weekend: papers and more papers. And laundry. And litterboxes.
October 03, 2002
Your Ass Should Be Kissed!While you won't let anyone stick it,
You expect *everyone* to lick it.
Whenever you want someone to go to town,
You just bend over and pull your pants down.
What Ass Do *You* Have??
What A Wonderful World
There is power in the simplest of acts.
This past Saturday, a woman singlehandedly stopped a KKK rally in Bowling Green, Kentucky. She didn't shout. She didn't lash out at anybody. She wasn't even carrying a sign.
Laquetta Shepard is a 24 year old senior at Western Kentucky University. She is black. And when Ku Klux Klan members knelt to pray for white supremacy, she left the anti-Klan rally she was a part of and walked over to stand silently, weeping, amongst the kneeling Klan members. A photographer caught a picture of her doing so. She looks angry, sad, resolute. The Klan members in the picture aren't looking at the camera. They wouldn't give their names. I'd like to think they look ashamed.
Maybe they were ashamed, all of them, because within a few minutes, the KKK and their supporters all quietly packed up their things and left.
A day after Laquetta Shepard made her stand in Kentucky, a 10 year old boy in Milwaukee threw an egg at a 36 year old man. A friend of his encouraged him to do it. The man started chasing the boy, but the boy had a lot of friends nearby, about sixteen in fact. Sixteen kids, all between the ages of 10-18. They chased the 36 year old man onto the porch of a nearby house and beat him to death with shovels and tree limbs and baseball bats.
From what I've heard, when some of the kids were arrested and charged with first degree murder, their parents didn't bother to show up at the police station.
There is so much in this world that is purely, transcendently good, and so much that is almost too evil to contemplate. And almost all of it comes from single, unthinking acts of individual people. A silent stand. A thrown egg. How can anyone ever really be sure when a moment like that will come, when an action of ours will prove vital, when we are faced with a choice between nobility or complacency, anger or compassion?
There is power in the simplest things. Everyday things. Enough power to shake the world apart or put it back together again.
Well, getting rather tired of
Well, getting rather tired of my book list for the year, I decided to go ahead and do an actual book blog instead, so I can whine about the things I'm reading for school. You can get to it by clicking on "Reading" over to the left there.
I've spent the day chatting with Mer and Julie, cuddling with the cats, idly poking at my English paper. It's been a good day.
Oh, and I have not one, but TWO job interviews at the U of M on Tuesday. Crossing my fingers like mad...
Yeah, okay. So I signed up for NaNoWriMo again this year. I wanna write my romance novel. Something nice and fluffy and fun.
Crossing all applicable appendages...
My worst fears maybe won't come true... I have a job interview on Tuesday afternoon at the U of M for a part-time research secretary position in the psychology department. Good pay, interesting job... dare I hope? This is a biggie. I might even have to wear makeup for this one.
What WOULD I do for money...?
Write Club was kinda doomed from the start tonight: there were no tables open at Borders, there were no tables open at Starbucks. Finally we drove off an old man and his grandson and managed to get a table at Barnes and Noble. Got a little writing done, but then we were all hungry, so we went to Denny's.
The conversation wandered, as conversations with Julie and Mer often do. Turns out, Julie'd gotten her hair cut today, but we hadn't noticed because she was wearing it back.
Mer: Hey, you should have sold it! (looks at me) That's what you could do! You should sell your hair!
Me: Dude. I'd sell my car before I'd sell my hair.
Julie: And you say you're not a girly-girl.
Things moved here into a discussion of my hair vanity, which I fully admit. Then I confessed that I'd actually looked at a couple of ads advertising for "telephone actresses". Once again, Mer was totally for it. "Phone sex! It'd be just like roleplaying!"
I'm still thinking about it. I mean, I'm pretty sure it's a job I could do. The only question would be whether or not I could do it without messing myself up emotionally. I know that if I were getting paid for it, it's not like I could get off on it or anything. I know there are a lot of sickos out there, and I'd have to deal with them. But it's also something that pays pretty damn well, and the idea of sitting in my apartment talking on the phone beats the hell out of working retail.
So, could I do it? Would I guilt myself to death? Would I feel like a whore? Would I be a whore? I don't know. I do know that the money stress is starting to make me crazy, and I know that as wiped out as I've been with just school and my work study job, working an extra 10-15 hours of retail on top of that is going to kill me.
I don't know. Panting into a phone is starting to sound like a pretty good gig.
October 02, 2002
Is it time to panic yet?
Well, I didn't get the job I interviewed for on campus yesterday. I pretty much knew I didn't after the interview. The guy didn't like me. The "interview" was about five minutes long, and he couldn't get away from me fast enough. I'm tempted to believe it was because I'm fat, but of course, I can't prove it.
I'm seriously stressed about money right now. I'm really considering selling my car for the money. The only things keeping me back are the hope that I'll get a decent job at the last possible second (which it almost is), the knowledge that it's a short-term fix at best, and the fact that once it's gone, it's gone, and I'll be carless until graduation. I'm frustrated and I'm scared, and I'm getting more discouraged every day--when I think about it. I'm trying not to think about it.
Well, I didn't get the
Well, I didn't get the job on campus, which is kinda okay, because it was a crappy job with crappy hours and crappier pay--and these are not sour grapes. On the other hand, I finally heard from the U of M about my application to them. Maybe there's still hope there.
October 01, 2002
The female cat test was boring, so I took the male one instead...
Take the 'Which Jellicle Cat Are You?' quiz, by Tazzelbug
Tired tired tired. Feh.
As I was leaving work yesterday, my new boss said, "Wow, today's the last day of September!" It hadn't dawned on me. I've already been in school for a month? It feels like things have just gotten started. Midterms are in a couple weeks, from the looks of my syllabi.
I have such a love/hate relationship with the entire month of October. I love fall. I hate fall. And for me, October is about as fall as you can get. September's still too summery on occasion, and November ends up wintery by Thanksgiving. But October is pure fall. (And that reminds me, I need to change the graphics around here when I get home this afternoon--I'm currently sitting in one of EMU's computer labs.)
See, fall makes me nervous. If you've been following this journal for a while, you know this already. For a couple of years running, I could count on a major depression every May and every October. It was regular enough to keep a calendar by. I never figured out why, although to be honest, I never really tried that hard. This fall, aside from worries about being underemployed, I'm happy. I'm soaking up everything about being in school again, even down to having a job where I occasionally have to fold and staple large numbers of things--which, come to think of it, I had to do periodically at my old job. Like Brand said, it beats gutting fish. No offense to anybody who works at a fishery, of course.
The best part about my new job is getting there in the mornings. Mornings are starting to get cool here, and just lately we've had a string of mostly sunny days. I'm actually enjoying taking public transportation to work, having a few moments to sit outside in cool sunshine, letting the air wake me up. My boss is almost how I sometimes imagine I'll be in another 30-40 years: smart, funny, committed to what she's doing, and alone but involved. I was also lucky enough to find a job that doesn't require me (most of the time) to simply be a brainless drone for a couple hours at a stretch.
Speaking of that, I've got a job interview for another job here on campus in just a few minutes. I should take off and get upstairs.