Divisions and Precisions

Sunday Night Blahs

Sunday nights are not my best times. If I'm going to feel really depressed for no reason, it's going to be when I first get up in the morning, or it's going to be on a Sunday night. Brand and I have talked about this feeling a lot. For lack of a better term, I call them the Sunday night blahs. I get weepy, my stomach feels queasy, I'm dreading the week ahead, all for no real reason. It's all chemical. I know that. In fact, I'll probably be just fine when I wake up in the morning. Or I might not, but I know I'll still manage to drag myself out of the house, and by tomorrow night everything will be back to normal.

What am I dwelling on tonight? Well, I'm weepy over the closing ceremony of the Olympics, to start with the most superficial reason. I didn't get nearly as much writing done today as I wanted, and I'm still overwhelmingly behind -- at this point I'm almost positive I won't make the deadline. (Then again, at this precise moment I'm also laying odds the world will end in the next few hours, so take this with a grain of salt.) I'd forgotten until today, but my uncle is having heart surgery tomorrow, and I'm worried to death about that too. I was supposed to go visit him in the hospital today, but I didn't. He called, and I talked to him a little bit, told him I loved him. If I'm thinking dire thoughts about a book, I'm sure I don't need to say that my mindset is somewhat less than positive about this right now too. I don't want to lose another family member so soon after Grandma.

In short, I'm a big pile of negativity. I know, I know stuff like that rebounds and does the whole self-fulfilling prophecy thing, but trust me when I say knowing that doesn't make me feel any better. I mean, now if something bad happens, I'll have a reason to blame myself for it.

Right now all I want are about four more days to hole up in my house. Now see, I say that, but ironically, I'm also feeling kinda lonely right now too. Does it make any sense to feel lonely but not want to be around people? Of course not, but none of what I'm feeling right now is precisely based in rationality. I mean, last night I was pretty sure that all of my closest friends hated me. Was there a reason for that? Not one.

Wanna know the scary thing? This is a very very very mild depression. This, like I said, will most likely be gone within 24 hours. As irrational as I feel, I realize how irrational it is. Imagine feeling that irrationality for weeks on end, without realizing that there's anything irrational about how you feel. It's hard to describe to someone who's never experienced it.

Just let me hang on for another day or so, and things will settle down.