Divisions and Precisions

I Want Candy cuz My Achy Breaky Heart Has Never Been to Me

Cable TV is rotting my brain. It seems like I can't go past E! or VH1 without stopping to stare like trailer trash gawking at a tornado (well, okay, unless it's a fashion show -- that I can skip). This week VH1 is running a series of shows on the top 100 one hit wonders. I watched three hours' worth last night. That's sixty one hit wonders, y'all. All in my brain. Lemme share a few.

99. "No Rain" by Blind Melon: Remember the bee girl video? I could have sworn these guys weren't a one hit wonder, but I can't for the life of me remember a second song they released.

97. "Whoomp! There It is" by Tag Team: Remember how clever it was to use this phrase? Then remember how everybody said "Whoomp, there it went"? Heck, even Tag Team did a parody by that name. The sign of a true one hit wonder: when you can make fun of yourself.

94. "What's Up" by Four Non-Blondes: I seem to be stuck on songs from 1993. I have gone through cycles of loving and hating this song. I hated it when I first heard it, but as I started to go through my alterna-goth phase, I started to like it. Hey, if nothing else, it's fun to sing along to.

91. "Electric Avenue" by Eddy Grant: Dude! How is this ranked so low? This was like, one of the greatest 80s songs ever. Can you even look at the title without hearing the chorus in your head? Sure, nobody knows what the rest of the song is about, but -- that chorus!

89. "Achy, Breaky Heart" by Billy Ray Cyrus: I'm ashamed to admit, I loved this song. I was married and into country at the time, and I think Gary wanted more than anything to grow a mullet just like Billy Ray. Did you know Billy Ray has his own show on PAX now? It's kinda scary.

85. "Spirit in the Sky" by Norman Greenbaum: When I was a wannabe hippie chick back in high school, I was absolutely delighted to find a hippie song that was Christian too. Hippie Christian rock! Heaven shall forever be known to stoners as "the place that's the best".

83. "Safety Dance" by Men Without Hats: I wanted to live in this video. Then later I joined the SCA, and I did.

79. "Puttin' on the Ritz" by Taco: Dear god. My cousin Sheri and I used to listen to this obsessively. I mean, obsessively. I have a clear memory of sitting on our Aunt Vera's front steps and rewinding the tape over and over again. We may have even had our own dance steps to it as well.

77. "What I Am" by Edie Brickell and the New Bohemians: Their name was longer than their career. I hated this song in high school, because the lyrics made no sense to me, but if I heard it on the radio, I'd start singing along.

72. "Maniac" by Michael Sembello: Remember when we all wanted to wear legwarmers and torn sweatshirts? Heh, this song was originally about a psychokiller. Sembello changed it to make it fit the movie. It's true. VH1 said so.

71. "How Bizarre" by OMC: I simply cannot turn the radio off on this song. Furthermore, I can't not sing along either. I have no idea what I'm singing about, or what's in my face everytime I look around, but I have to sing it anyway.

67. "Epic" by Faith No More: This so should have been higher.

62. "The Future's So Bright, I Gotta Wear Shades" by Timbuk 3: Did you know this was actually a sarcastic song about the future of the world and nuclear war? Yeah, neither did I. The things television teaches you... Wow, can you imagine how pissed the group was when everyone started using it for their graduation song?

55. "It's Raining Men" by the Weather Girls: Hallelujah, two fat women singing about lots of men. Does it get better than this? Their original name wasn't the Weather Girls, it was Two Tons of Fun. That just makes me grin.

53. "Somebody's Watching Me" by Rockwell: This should actually be attributed to Michael Jackson, since he sang all the cool parts of it anyway.

46. "Don't Worry, Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin: Okay. Bobby McFerrin. A one hit wonder? Hello, HOW many Grammy Awards has this man won? VH1's website talks about what a hugely acclaimed jazz and classical performer he is, but... pop music rules all, so he's a one hit wonder. Feh.

44. "Rock Me Amadeus by Falco: Ah, for that brief shining moment in the 80s, it was cool to like Mozart, due in part to this song and the movie Amadeus.

41. "Relax" by Frankie Goes to Hollywood: My god, was I the ONLY 13 year old to actually have a sneaking suspicion of what this song was really about? I remember being incredibly disturbed by this song, because I knew what I thought it was about, but it couldn't REALLY be about that, or else it wouldn't be all over the radio, right? So I figured I just had a dirty mind and felt guilty about it. Now, years later, I find out that when they were singing about coming, they were really singing about coming.

The last forty songs air tonight and tomorrow night. Will I be watching? Oh, probably. I think deep down in my heart of hearts I'm a wannabe popculture princess.