September 24, 2003
I found this quote in one of my old journal entries
I was looking through my old journal entries from three years ago. I used to post a poetry quote with each entry. I found this one, and it made me laugh, because now I understand it. I didn't then.
O God, O Venus, O Mercury, patron of thieves,
Lend me a little tobacco-shop,
or install me in any profession
Save this damn'd profession of writing,
where one needs one's brains all the time.
--From The Lake Isle, Ezra Pound
Wavering
For the first time ever, I have something that I think might be contest-worthy. The deadline for this contest is October 1st. Part of me says I should send it off. But I have stage fright all of a sudden. I wouldn't get any feedback, I wouldn't hear anything for two months. But then, how is that different that doing a regular submission? Why am I even considering NOT doing this?
It's too soon. I think that's part of it. I just wrote the damn thing on Sunday, and now I'm moving from the "I am a literary GODDESS!" stage to the "Shit, it's not perfect yet, how can I make it perfect?" stage. Because I want this one to be perfect. More than anything else I've written, I want this story to be perfect. It's like... I dunno, I think I read this in something of Stephen King's once, it's like this time I got a hold of an almighty big one and I don't want to screw it up.
Jesus Christ. It's just a story. I know I'm making far too much of it. But the thought of sending it off into the cruel world without making sure that its tie is straight and its hair is perfect and its shoes are polished is killing me. I'm afraid I'll fix it until it breaks. I'm afraid I won't fix it enough. I think, when all is said and done, I'm just afraid.
Fuck it. If I can get the entry fee together, I'm sending it. I'll edit it this weekend. I think I need to just ship it off and quit worrying about it.
I really am a freak. I think I'm worried more about this one, because when I write something that's crap? I know it's crap, and I either know how to fix it or I know that it's not fixable. When I write something that's really good and needs some fine-tuning? That's when I'm on unfamiliar ground.
75K
Another milestone today, 75,000 words. I can't help but wonder now if I'm going to go over 100,000 or not. We'll see, and very shortly too.
